#Always being one step behind
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I think transfem Alina is god-tier actually
#Idk man not only is it cool in general but#It adds more to her character#To me at least#Alina being twice as feminine as everyone else and obsessed with the way she looks#Always struggling to do what the council and the elves want so that she can fit in#Turning on sophie in an instant because she cant give them another reason to judge her#Alden leaving her in the dust for a cis woman#Never fully fitting in even though she tries her absolute best to#Always being one step behind#I just think its a neat concept that should be explored more maybe#Kotlc#councillor alina
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the amount her death haunts me is unreasonable
#ultrakill#v1 ultrakill#v2 ultrakill#v1#v2#tw blood#but like also its ultrakill i mean u cant NOT have blood in there#to be one step behind from being good enough#with the perfect you right behind you.. its haunting im so mad how much v2 gets to me#she exists to fail#if thats not a failgirl idk what is#anyway i put a lot into this drawing im going insane#its been a while since ive spent 2 weeks on 1 drawing#its always the doomed robots with me man
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#It's always about his back#If I stepped into the room and found him like that he'd be in so much trouble#He's so sexy. Mr Fleck stop being so sexy#It's always about this suit too :/ Arthur in this Pogos suit is such a gift isn't he#What a handsome man#And those curls... Damn#I would take so many pics of him#Then the troubles for him start eheheh he can't run away for too long..... :•)#What I wouldn't do to him#ANYWAYS#I can't yearn on the tags#Can I?#i'm drooling#My edit#Arthur Fleck#His ear poking out of his curls looks so cute btw#And the hem of his shirt poking out of his vest from behind makes me a little feral I've to admit#I guess if you need inspiration to write a smut this pic is a huge provider#This is one of the hottest scenes for me#This Pogos suit combines with slicked back hair and his handsome face is too much#Okay I'm done#I've to be done#I've no self control when it comes to the rehearsal scene#or this red suit#or Arthur in general eheh#There are so many stories you could write about this picture and someday I will#I love to fantasize about what's happening behind this photo
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#okay but reading this Belloc essay on Austen really made something click in my mind#and it’s because of something he said#which is that women care more about what men think of them generally#(as a general rule. not all the time. etc.)#and men care more about the opinion of the one woman they care about#like women do care (as a first instinct at least) what every man she meets thinks of her#but men are mostly indifferent. until they’re NOT.#which makes women more vulnerable to a greater number of people#but men are MORE painfully vulnerable to the woman whose opinion they care about#and I don’t actually know that that vulnerability only extends to a woman they are attracted to/feel romantic feelings for#I think if they just think well of you as a person you (a woman) have a lot of power over them#which is sooooo interesting and makes so much sense!!!! and is something I’ve sort of been dancing around with teaching#like. a lot of the boys I teach come to care about what I think about them#which doesn’t mean they all have a crush on me. though that step can be super easy and super small#hence the need for the boundaries of steel etc. but it does mean that they care what I think about them!#and I’ve always felt that instinctively and felt that I had to be so gentle with them because the power to crush them is mine if I so choose#don’t let me overstate it. it doesn’t happen all the time or anything close to it. but the thing about me being a teacher is that#they are forced to know me not just in a surface-level way. simply because I spend so much time with them#and talk to them a lot!#ANYWAY. enough about me but yeah this hit me so hard and of course exceptions exist#and/or endless variations on this exist because people are unique and surprising and also everything is changing all the time#etc. etc. but there is something to this I think! and you know what#it’s so interesting because that base-level instinct for women (allowing it to be a thing I mean) can be grown out of#I have trained myself out of/maturity has helped me leave behind that immediate female instinct#of being hurt at the idea that this random waiter (for example) is indifferent towards me. I’ve come to accept it#the instinct is still there!!! because imo women are always scanning and searching and sizing up. and also we are so open to being won over#if that makes sense? which is why insta comments complaining about how only good looking men get away with things like. PLEASE.#there are so many medium-ugly men who get married. it’s the average because the average woman is prettier than the average man#(this is not an insult) women CAN be and usually are so open to being surprised. won over. moved by the simple fact that a guy likes them#and men are not like that. but my point is: men don’t grow out of caring if they care. when they care they care sooooooo much. anyways yeah
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is anyone else been getting force fed a disturbing amount of casual biphobia lately????? i really do try to go out my way to avoid it but it's been everywhere and about everything???? sometimes i think bisexuals should be meaner
#like.. i CANNOT avoid that stupid ass subway hot takes video about that queer person and the straight dude calling bi's queer gentrifiers#and that post about marcelin being bi and someone getting mad that they shouldn't call her a lesbian???#or that post about the bi4bi sword wedding photos and people insisting they (not the couple but the 'audience') can call it a lesbianweddin#or that sapphic book about bi butch/femme couple??? and people being FURIOUS about it???????#hot take bisexuals should be allowed to identify themselves as they please and have that be respected#and that they shouldn't be treated like they're one step away from being like those 'filthy evil cishets' ESPECIALLY when they end up with#someone of the opposite sex/gender. hot take but bisexuals are and always have been core to our community#bisexuals i love you GET BEHIND ME#bi discourse#bisexual
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mirror mirror
Send me “ mirror mirror “ to get a glimpse of my muse after they’ve turned to the dark side…
"You're telling me, you have them in a cell and all you're going to do is let them wait."
"With food and water and a bloody pillow. No blood, no pain, no psychological torture? How boring."
"They're not going to tell you anything just lingering there with home comforts. You're supposed to be in charge, feared, people are supposed to cower when they hear your name and you think this is how you maintain that reputation, please. If you're not going to do it yourself, at very least, let someone else."
"Me."
#;answered#;anon answered#//so the dark side of Maria or the evil side is not like I'M TAKINg OVER energy#but she's very much like.... Lady Macbeth? Maybe? Like very much you're the most powerful person so I'll help you until you're not#and I will use the fact you don't see me as a threat to make sure I'm always one step ahead but you think I'm behind#and she very very much likes blood and torture and brutish strength and shows of brutish strength#and she likes shows of power#like if it was say like a game of thrones universe she'd very much enjoy watching people beg for mercy then being brutally slaughtered by#like a someone because this person had insulted her#that's the sort of energy#she's very driven by power and blood and uses lust as a weapon
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@redemptionarcsucker
NO CAUSE LITERALLY HELIA IS ANYTHING BUT THE POET
I know it would be really easy to assume that Helia is a poet, most obviously due to him actually being a literal poet and yknow. writing poems. Add on that he is genuinely good with his words and it's like! Duh! BUT NO!! A huge part of his character is that he wants to be the poet but he isn't. Helia acts like a poet. He makes a great first impression, he watches people carefully and responds in whatever way will move the situation best, he can be bitterly truthful and secretive all at once. But while that is still part of him, it's also so, so small in comparison to how he feels inside and how he actually acts.
While I have pondered Helia being the soldier, I gravitate much more toward the King. The king archetype is all about the responsibility that you don't want, that you don't deserve, but still feeling so loyal to it that you can't get away. No matter what they truly want in life, the kings will always go back to that responsibility because it's become them, and leaving literally feels like part of them is gone. They believe they have an intense duty to that responsibility and that leaving would make them the worst person in the world. And like,,, anyone with Helia Brain knows that this is him!! It's everything he feels about Red Fountain!!
Being the poet is all about embracing freedom and that's the one thing Helia refuses to do. He can't do it. He feels so intensely loyal to Red Fountain, and now to his friends, that any other option feels like betrayal to him. His own freedom feels like a betrayal. And that's just such a sad king move,,,
#i can definitely get behind soldier but i think more often than not he's the king#one day he'll get to poet :')#winx helia#ANYWAY if you do write a post id love to see!! no pressure obviously but you KNOW i have major helia brain rot#i think... helia can def fit the soldier archetype#not wanting to fight but always having to. learning to protect yourself and others because no one else will etc etc#but i think helia also has a lot of people in his corner. even when he pushes them away they never really leave#when he's alone it's always because he made it so#but a big reason i think he's more of a king than a soldier is that he fights because of that duty#thats not to say that he wouldnt step in and help. obviously he would#but we've seen that when he truly chases his dreams its away from the action#but he always ends up going back because the school and therefore the fighting has become part of him#there was always a sense of duty there and he's spent a lot of time trying to get away from it only to return because he needs it#at this point in canon he has fully resigned himself to being a specialist#i truly believe that if helia didnt have All of that behind him he wouldnt mind being a specialist so much#if it was on HIS terms and not on family legacy or a duty to the school#ough... i am Thinking#its actually so funny cause now that i think about it sky is definitely the soldier
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little yellow house over everything, actually
#i'm losing it big time oh my god#he is so amazed and delighted to be in her childhood home#(he's amazed to be in any childhood home; considering)#he's delighted to be in HER childhood home; where there's so much of her; her past; who she is#he's always been the one she confides in the most; the person she's most comfortable being vulnerable in front of#but even then she doesn't really share TOO much (that the audience sees; other possible reasons for that; whatever)#and now here he is surrounded by SO much; small and big and he's almost giddy at the opportunity#but he's almost in awe (the music kills me it's so soft and light) that she's letting him be there; that she's opening herself up that much#it's just so lovely he is in LOVE with her#tm#(also he's recognized people from their steps with his eyes shut behind closed doors yet he doesn't catch that it's not lisbon behind him#when he's looking at her crayon drawings on the wall that's so)
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I feel part of people's frustration with Shuuji might be to cultural differences. A lot of complaints I have seen is people saying that they Did Not Force Shuuji into the leader role and tried to make him Step Down, but they are lacking the cultural nuance that it is expected of him to take care of them and make sure they all come back home bc he is their senior/the oldest. It's actually something you can see in part 2 where it's only Takuma, Aoi, Ryo and Minoru at the school, they talk about who should be in charge and the only candidates proposed are Aoi and Ryo because they're Takuma and Minoru's senpai. At that point, neither of them want to step up the responsibility, so it's only Shuuji who is willing to take the role and actively keep them safe even if he fails so badly at doing it lol No one else is there to be willing to be responsible for all of them and guide them, and it'd be extremely rude and irresponsible of Shuuji to push the responsibility on Takuma. He actually feels a lot of guilt for how much heavy lifting Takuma has to do to keep the group together and says as much multiple times. His character is very much tied to responsibility and it'd eat him inside not to fulfill his duties. Like ywah, he does an extremely piss-poor job trying to fulfill them but the game is rather in your face about all the reasons he can't just wash his hands and push it all on Takuma.
#Shuuji Kayama#Kayama Shuuji#digimon survive spoilers#Digimon Survive#Shuuji#Idk lol sorry for making posts in response to what I see on the tag I understand ppl disliking him but complaining about him not stepping#Down the responsibility of leadership when the game is rather obvious about the conflict over individual needs and duty is like HMMM#Shuuji being the oldest is the reason no one is willing to confront him head on about his behavior#Like you're not supposed to be confrontational to your elders#Takuma is very polite and always follows social etiquette so he'd never be direct to Shuuji like Kaito and Ryo are (who are rude boys)#Even when Minoru and Saki are more fed up with him they resort to passive aggression and mocking him behind his back bc he's their senior#Aoi is also too proper to confront him directly like Takuma and this is actually something she constantly laments and is even one of her#Biggest misgivings in Wrathful lol
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Yet another scene that broke me.
@thethistlegirl @malewifebillcage
#jack reacher#helen rodin#jack reacher 2012#tom cruise#rosamund pike#my gifs#jack reacher gifs#my edit#this scene broke me#helen's words hit too close to home for jack#he is always one step away from being fully homeless#and he is not well versed in how society works#his face I swear#he looks like a sad puppy#like he got kicked on the curb and left to fend for himself#people can't see Jack behind what they imagine#and it hurts a lot
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Oops, hurt myself with fandom what-ifs
#argo-bolo originals#thinking about o!sneeg and him jumping several universes to find philza and always being one step behind and will never find his philza#he's always late finding any philza anyway so he can't even see the face of his friend once more even if it wasn't truely his philza#im really emotional about this and i hope that they'll get to meet again#inch 642 reporting for duty to maybe see his friend's face again
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Happy Birthday in Heaven, sweet baby girl. I miss you so much...
#personal shenanigans#Stella the cat#she would have been 18 today#it's her first birthday without her#If I ever find another cat as special as she was I'll be one lucky human being#from day one she chose me#we almost didn't take her home but she chose me#and she stuck by my side to the bitter end#through depression and growing up#through texas to california#she was by my side every step of the way#always greeting me when I came home until she couldn't move very well anymore#always talking to me#though we could never understand each other we knew there was always love behind our words#To anyone who says an animal is just a pet#I say fuck you because the pain I feel from her loss is insurmountable#HBD Stella
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sometimes lifes is cruel to you for no fucking greater meaning but u still have to go through it and just endure
#im tired of enduring and living through it and having to live with everything on my back.#i know theres a way out but it requires patience and im so so fucking tired of being patient and waiting till this ends#everyday is like walking myself to hell and back. and i know where my steps lead me but i still have to carry myself through a nightmare#im tired of being hangover with yesterdays sorrows and screaming and constant and so much pain it makes me want to simply end it all#im tired of having to remind myself of my worth of my future of the things i know im capable of just to not do it.#im tired of always having to remind myself that there will be a time in the future when all these years will only be a footnote.#something small and unimportant in the grand scheme of things. something i just had to go through but no longer have to.#each time i have to remind myself that i WILL grow old. not in spite but for myself. that i will grow to be older than all these moments#this will not keep me back. i am afraid because i can tell NOW how much it actually does.#but once im out of this situation ill really be free. nothing will keep me back. but secretely i know therell be so many things that bind#me to this place. not negative ones. the negatives are the reasons i want out but what about the people#that im going to leave behind? what about my dog whos been my motivation and my everything in the hardest of times?#leaving is cruel but staying would kill me#i hate my life so hard. life is beautiful but mine sucks so bad lol.#it really was beginning to lighten up a little bit but then it all fell down lol#i know that the more time goes on ill stop caring and just continue but right now i cant stop thinking about all the pain
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im home earlier than i thought
#i can actually work on things yay. at least one of them#for the mav and samael story i will rewrite the first chapter#bc i think starting with mav having One of Those breakdowns bc of what happened with zachary its not the best way#i think its better to start the story showing his Unconventional Desires and Fantasies about being murdered as violently as possible#and then explain whats the reason behind them later; when the readers have an idea of who he is. and maybe wonder why hes like that#or if hes weird just because something is wrong with his brain (i mean something is def wrong with him either way.#but did something happened for him to end this way or it just happened without something being a direct cause?)#at least i didnt even got to the midpoint; i only had ~800 words. which is kind of a win for me tbh i havent write shit in months#let alone this thing is out of my comfort zone for a lot of reasons; starting with the fact its not a fanfic and everything belongs to me#and i havent touched a subject this sensitive like a p4r4philia before. of course i did my research but tbf there isnt a lot on this one#so im trying not to sound completely uninformed; just that i couldnt really find a whole lot of research on this#bc it doesnt exist on the first place. the closest is lopatka's clase; which i've read what i could find about already; its not a whole lot#anyway i am afraid of getting hate comments. something something i am romanticizing a serious subject#something something i am portraying this as a love story (im not; if the characters think so its another thing) so i must be fucked up irl#something something 'this is fucked up and doesnt cater to my direct tastes; therefore is bad and you are bad too'#of course i will put warnings but you know how people are. and if they report the story wattpad could actually take it down#a bummer but. whatever. i always have ao3 but i will have to do an extra step and translate it to english#alongside having 0 audience there. well shit just happens ig lol#this turned into a rant sorry#iván whispers
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Emergency: Help Evacuate My Family From GAZA WAR
Dear Humanity,
I'm Haya from Gaza , from a family of 8 people: my parents, two sons, and four daughters (two of them suffer from allergies).
I've witnessed the evidence of the tragedy that has struck our lives in Gaza, where my family and I have survived amidst numerous previous wars. But today, we face the most dangerous and fierce battle in the current war. The urgent need intensifies for us, as we have nothing left and are unable to secure our basic needs such as food, water, and safe shelter.
Here is our story - On October 7th, our lives changed forever, my family and I evacuated from northern Gaza to southern Gaza, hoping to return soon, but it wasn't meant to be. Our home was surrounded, burned, and then completely destroyed, Our home, once a fortress of hope, now lay in ruins, a stark reminder of our shattered dreams.
The night before we left from the north to the south was terrifying. Shelling sounds were everywhere, making a loud noise that felt like it went through our souls. Every explosions shook the ground like earthquakes, sending shockwaves of fear through our trembling bodies. filling us with fear. The air smelled of destruction and blood, making it hard to breathe. When dawn came, we saw the devastation around us, realizing our home was now a symbol of loss and despair.
We ran into the streets and with each step we took into the unknown streets, we felt as if we were plunging deeper into the abyss of our shattered existence, leaving behind everything we own in our home: Clothes, important official documents, the car, and literally it's almost everything - the enormity of our loss weighed heavily upon us.
Our home it was where we found hope, safety, and made precious memories. Losing it felt like losing years of our lives, leaving us adrift amidst the wreckage of our shattered existence.
youtube
A brief video depicting the devastation that struck our home and our entire neighborhood in Gaza.
Desperate Plea: Escaping Gaza's Allergy Nightmare
I, Haya, suffer from severe allergy to penicillin-derived medications, and my sister, Amal, also suffers from severe allergies to medications from my family such as Paracetamol and Ibuprofen.
These allergies create a deep sense of fear and anxiety for us, as we live in a constant state of tension and fear of anything that may require a visit to the hospital. We fear being given inappropriate medications due to the unavailability of suitable treatments in Gaza because of war or lack of awareness and not informing the doctor of our allergies, which could lead to serious consequences threatening our lives.
MY Father Income
Our dreams are heading towards oblivion in the labyrinth of an uncertain future
My story, along with my siblings, represents a united team of four individuals, three of whom are skilled programmers and one graphic designer. We work as freelancers in the world of freelancing.
As for my younger sister, she is a student studying at the College of Architecture. She has always carried a big dream in her heart, a dream of being part of changing Gaza, of making it more beautiful and better. She looked forward to the day when she would receive her degree and start building this dream. But the beginning of the war changed everything. The destruction of infrastructure and universities cast shadows of despair over her dreams.
When I think of my brother in Belgium, I can't help but feel deep sadness. He has been suffering from unbearable anxiety and insomnia since the outbreak of the war. Sleep eludes him at night, and his physical and mental health collapses under the weight of these heavy burdens, negatively affecting his performance at work. Problems and challenges pile up in front of him without the slightest opportunity for rest.
We all feel psychological pressure and extreme anxiety. The war hasn't been limited to external attacks but has deeply infiltrated our daily lives. We search among the rubble for a little safety and the basic resources for survival. Every day comes with a new challenge that we must overcome.
As we sway amidst the rubble of shattered dreams, our souls wrestle and our hearts beat strongly challenging the ravages of war.
Our parents earnestly seek a way to rescue us from this hell, feeling the heavy responsibility for every moment we spend under the shadows of fear and destruction. They dream of a safe place where they can build for us a better future, filled with security and hope, for we deserve life in all its meanings of comfort and peace.
Perhaps this fundraising campaign represents a light in the midst of darkness, it is indeed the only hope we cling to firmly.
I appeal to the world as a whole to hear my cry and the mournful cry of my family in Gaza. We need the helping hand that reaches out to wipe our tears and build a bridge to safety.
Your donation is not just a donation; it's an opportunity to rebuild life and brighten a better tomorrow. Be part of our hopeful story, for we need your hand to start anew.
The purpose of the fundraising campaign
The goal of this fundraising campaign is to rescue my family - my parents, my siblings, and me - through the Rafah Crossing to Egypt, which currently requires $5000 per person. This campaign is our only chance to stay alive, and I humbly request your assistance at this critical time. I will provide you with a comprehensive breakdown of the expenses, committing to transparency and clarity.
All of our important links are here https://linktr.ee/hayanahed
Verified by :
⭐️ operation olive branch, number 26 on their spreadsheet. (On Master list)
⭐️ Project watermelon,line 249 on their spreadsheet. Or you could see it as number 212 here is the photo for more clear proof
Thank you for your kindness and support.
.جزاكم الله خيراً
yours sincerely;
Haya Alshawish.
#palestine#free palestine#donations#donate if you can#please donate#gofundme#go fund them#donate#donation#go fund her#palestine gfm#gaza gfm#gazan families#fundraising#go fund me#fundrasier#save gaza#save palestine#please#please help#help gaza#mutual aid#donation match#charity#go fund him#gaza#gaza strip#emergency#hope#important
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i did wrestling in middle school. on one hand, i was actually quite good at it, which was nice. being good at any sport was a new achievement for me. on the other hand, i was bi, and i was trying very hard not to notice that i was bi, and getting folded into knots by very kind, very muscular dorks made that task somewhat difficult.
adding fire to the problem was that my parents and my grandparents wanted to watch my matches, because they were very proud that their Gangly Nerd Son was actually Sporting, and they wanted to cheer me on. which would've been sweet and all, but if there are four people you do not want there during a key part of your Burgeoning Sexual Awakening, it is your mom and your dad and your grandma and your grandpa.
right? i mean, imagine some guy's got your head in his armpit, and you're going you know, old sweat smells bad, but fresh sweat has a sort of and then you make eye contact with your grandpa in the stands and you remember you're swearing spandex so if you pop a boner people aren't just going to be able to see the outline, they're going to be able to count the veins, and the only way you will be able to restore your family's honor after that would be by moving to siberia and renouncing joy, forever. that, or lift your entire body up by your kneck then twist 180 degrees without paralyzing yourself.
it’s a lot of pressure, is what i’m saying.
still it did motivate me to win my matches really fast. because i was so tall and skinny, i was stupidly good at the double leg takedown, and then once someone was knocked down, i'd just do the half nelson and kind of flip em over for the pin. then the ref would count to three and i’d win. EZPZ.
i had one match where that went great. won in the first ten seconds, sat back down, and prepared myself for a good hour or two of doing fuck all. didn't even feel bad the parents/grandparents were gonna be bored. the matches went up from me in 5 pound increments (i was in the 115 lbs division) and it was going great until we got to the 145 lbs division. the other school's wrestler stepped onto the mat, and she turned out to be a girl so our guy flipped, because for straight guys, wrestling a girl is not a pleasant experience.
i'm not entirely unsympathetic. my experience wrestling dudes was definitely a little traumatic. but also, i dealt. guy could've dealt too. instead, he refused to wrestle, and the coach went - fine. not even worth fighting over.
so he went to the 140 pounder, and that guy said, nosir, my mom said mormons can't wrestle girls. next guy down, 135 pounder, now he knew he could pull the same card and thus did. 130 pounder, 125, both tapped out. he got to the 120 guy, and that guy was catholic, but he said he was considering being mormon, and thus would have to pass. as a precaution.
coach blew up a little at that. he said "is there anyone - anyone - on this entire goddamn team that is willing to wrestle a girl?" and then he pointed at me and said "YOU. MAT. GO."
and i'll be real, if i'd been paying more attention, i'd have pulled the mormon card too, but i'd just been putting all that audio into a buffer file because i was reading, so i was halfway across the mat before i even processed what had been said and by then it was too late to turn back.
still i had a plan. and my plan - my beautiful, perfect plan - was to do what i'd always done. tackle, flip, pin, win. sit down. read. bore my family to death. move on.
i got the first part right. she was bigger than me, but she wasn't taller. just an incredibly stout woman. god built me like a snake with glasses, just as he built her like a combat cube. the problem was the half nelson. soon as she was down, i tried hooking my arm under hers from behind and for both genders, the defense for this move is just clamping your arms really fucking tight against your sides. if you're a guy, that's whatever, but if you're a girl - especially if you're god's chosen combat cube - that pins your opponents hand right against your boob.
so, i got the hook in, she clamped, my whole arm pressed against something soft, my coach was yelling THE HALF NELSON. BABYLON! JUST FINISH IT! FINISH THE HALF NELSON! and i was just trying to press hard enough to finish, when then my brain went
...oh.
and i flipped out. of course i flipped out. i like girls, and touching a boob is an elemental experience, and i was not ready. i was not prepared. i had not committed the sacred rites. i recoiled like i'd just brushed my arm against the surface of the sun, stood up, and backed away. nobody in the room knew why i'd given up. all they saw was me, right about to win, suddenly flailing around and scrambling. so everyone started screaming at me to just get the half nelson again, and i couldn't really yell back there's a fuckin' boob in the way and it was very distressing, and the only way i could think of to make them stop was just doing it over again the right way.
so i did.
i hunkered down and prepared myself for Wrasslin' Attempt #2: The Sequel.
i knocked her down again, EZPZ. i went for the half nelson again, but she knew what i was about to do so she super clamped, and i knew she was gonna super clamp, so i wound my arm back like a pop-eye cartoon punch before swinging my arm through the gap between her bicep and her side, but the amount of time i spent winding back super signalled what i was about to to do, which gave her time to clamp even harder, which somehow redirected the entire force of the popeye punch to the bottom of her bra.
it spat out a single boob the same way an action hero might spit out one single tooth after getting a solid crack across the jaw. as if to say:
*ptooie.* "that all you got?"
i did not actually see this. my experience was that first there was an arm, then there was a bit of boob, but i was braced, i was ready, forward at all costs, tatakae motherfuckers, and then the boob went away, and i didn't know where it went but my team, and the audience, and everyone who was in front of me, they all gasped like i just kicked them in the stomach. except for my coach. he was behind me, and thus one of the four people in the room who did not see the boob. now my mom, my dad, my grandma, and my grandpa, they all got flashed but nooooooo, coach thunderbutt was behind me, and he didn't see shit so he was still yelling NOOOOOO BABYLON WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST FINISH THE NELSON! GO FOR THE KILL! BABYLON! BABYLON!
but i did not go for the kill. i stood up and she stuffed her boob back real fast, and we just kind of circled each other awkwardly until time ran out and i won on points. that's not technically allowed, but the ref had some mercy on me.
my coach did not.
i barely had time to sit down before he strode over to the bench to chew me out.
"babylon," he said, in that very calm way people get when they're too pissed to yell. "why didn't you pin?"
and i didn't know how to say well coach, i tried, but there was a boob, and it kept getting in the way, and my mom was watching, and so was my dad, and so was his dad, and his mom, and god (like bible god) and that's a can of worms because i'm pretty sure he was already mad at me, and i'm wearing spandex, and i think i might have to move to siberia, so instead i said
"i uh. i forgot how to do the half nelson."
which is actually impossible. forgetting how to do the half nelson is like forgetting how to swallow your spit.
and he looked at me, like i was the dumbest person in the entire world, and i looked through him like i'd just survived my 250th day in a trench at verdun, and he said: fine.
fine.
but we're all going to practice it for an hour tomorrow because you forgot.
and then he left.
and my buddies had the gall to be salty about it. i got so many comments saying "dude, why didn't you just tell him the truth?" and i said "you can if you care so damn much. you could've wrestled the girl too. maybe someone else should do the hard thing today."
but they didn't. so the next day, we did an hour of half nelson drills, and i spent a decent amount of time getting thrown around the mat, and it was pleasant in exactly the way that i hated and the year after that, to the surprise of everyone but myself, i quit wrestling and joined the trivia team.
and if you want more reasons to love my mom, my grandpa joked after the match that i might have to talk to my bishop about it, and my mom told him he would be allowed to make jokes after he stood in front of a crowd of 110 people in spandex underpants while wrestling a woman that was not his wife.
he paused for almost five seconds after that. then he said: aw. hell. sorry babylon.
and i'd have preferred my apology from god, but getting it from him was pretty good too.
#whew boy this make me anxious just typing it#wrestling#middle school#the dread#i feel like i have to write some stories about my grandpa not being a dick#because he was actually an amazing grandpa#he just had a few goofs are very comedic moments#and you know if you're gonna have a goof making it comedic is a virtue in itself#he was there for me more than a lot of my classmates dads were#and i dont want that undervalued#yeah#babylon-lore
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